Here’s what I know about the women who come to work with me one on one.
They are hard working, kind-hearted leaders who have worked hard to get where they are. They might look like they’ve got it all together on the outside, but inside they’re feeling:
EXHAUSTED
From trying to do it all, be it all, and have it all while still looking like they’ve got it all together.
RESENTFUL
That others don’t see what they need and give them the support they’re craving
OVERWHELMED
From all they have to do and never feeling like they’ve got the right support
ANGRY
Because it seems like everyone around them just takes and takes and takes, never giving a second thought at checking in with how YOU are doing and what YOU are needing.
LONELY
Because they don’t feel really seen and heard in their relationships.
I totally get every one of these because it’s exactly who I was for much of my life.
I tried to set boundaries, but every time I did, I felt like someone turned the temperature up in my body to 350 degrees and the lump in my throat blocked me from saying anything at all. I felt powerless like I had no choice but to acquiesce, placate and stuff my truth yet one more time.
This went on until I dove deep into the parts of myself that longed for compassion and attention. I had to unlearn all the ways that felt familiar to me and re-learn an entirely new way of being. Traditional boundary work was great in many ways and it taught me a lot of things…..to a point.
If you’re like me, you’ve known what to do, and known what to say. I KNOW I need to work out, I KNOW I need to use my voice…I KNOW I need to set this boundary.
What I’ve learned through my training, education, but mostly personal experience is that you can have every boundary script for each and every scenario and yet when it comes time to set the boundary, there is a whole body that you have to get on board
The truth is :
Boundaries are about being HONEST with who you are and where you’re at in life. And when your nervous system is on high alert (because for us people pleasers and perfectionists this is exactly what happens when we go to set a boundary), setting a boundary from a place of power and compassion is really almost impossible.
Without a well-resourced nervous system, you will always
SELF CENSOR
ACQUIESCE
FAWN & PEOPLE PLEASE (SAY YES WHEN YOU WANT TO SAY NO)
OUTSOURCE YOUR DECISION-MAKING, POWER AND/OR WORTH
ALLOW RELATIONSHIPS, COMMITMENTS, AND JOBS INTO YOUR LIFE THAT AREN’T A FULL BODY YES!!!
Fawning/people-pleasing is an inauthentic, placating behavior that takes us out of our sovereignty and leadership.
When we people please, we are being dishonest with others and with ourselves.
This isn’t your fault. This pattern, this way of being stems from your faulty conditioning.
However, now that you know, it is your responsibility to heal.
Having a well-resourced nervous system reduces physical symptoms like anxiety and overwhelm that stop us from setting boundaries and speaking our truth. This is exactly why traditional boundary work only gets us so far.
We need to work for a while at a deeper level, excavating all the beliefs and stress responses you have relied on to keep you feeling safe. We need to resource your nervous system with different resources rather than old coping strategies such as people pleasing, placating and contorting yourself into a pretzel for everyone else's level of comfort.
Listen, life still hands me things that are less than desirable, but I no longer need to play the victim role anymore. I have learned a whole new way of living and being that helps me to step up, stand in my power, own who I am and express my truth.
It doesn’t mean that life looks perfect, and that the people around me always respond in the way I would like. But it does mean that at the end of the day, my head hits the pillow at night knowing that I showed up that day with full integrity, leaning into courage, vulnerability, owning who I am, using the internal conflict I experience as a superpower and speaking what is true for me.
And this is possible for you too!
Imagine if you could:
Feel GOOD ENOUGH
-No matter what life and business throws at you
Move through CONFLICT
-Feeling proud of how you handled yourself
Speak YOUR TRUTH
-To ask for support, share your needs, and express your true feelings
Have the CONFIDENCE TO OWN YOUR WISDOM
-Sharing your gifts and knowledge with those around you
Have real and honest CONNECTION
-With those in your life that truly matter to you.
All this is possible AND MORE!