Who do you actually think you are?
I think most of us have THAT moment. That one time where we distinctly remember how it changed the trajectory of our life.
Our maybe it was a culmination of decision. Maybe for you it was a decision of poor choices that led you down a path where you suddenly woke up one day and said…
Seriously-how did i get here?
For me, I was a freshman in high school. By this time in life, I was someone who truly struggled to feel like I fit in. I was always felt like I was on the outside looking in. I wanted to fit in,-to know that I was enough. To know that I was special and stand out. To be recognized for my gifts and purpose.
People were my drug of choice. If i was friends with the right people, If I just hung with the right people to make me feel better about myself, then life would matter. I would matter. I would be more important that I deemed myself.
And so I worked effortlessly to hang out with people who would make me feel better about myself, who I felt were a bit more “popular” than myself and who I felt I could ride on their coattails and help me to be seen and noticed in the world. To make me feel that special feeling that I was longing for.
I remember one particular time when I was a freshman. I had become great friends with a boy who was one year older than me. He was a great guy, fun, kind, witty- he was popular too which was even better. I recall one day, I was waiting in his truck in the high school parking lot. I believe we were headed out to have lunch together, and I had arrived at the truck first, so i climbed into the front seat and waited for him to come out of the school.
Meanwhile, an upperclassman passed by the truck, and called out-”what are you doing in Ryan’s (name changed to protect privacy) truck? Now keep in mind-I was already quite insecure and intimidated easily-so I sheepishly responded-”Im waiting for Ryan, we are going to lunch together. (as if I needed to explain myself to the upperclassman asshole). He grinned back at me with that crooked grin and simply said -”yeah right…”
And in that moment I knew. I knew like I knew like I knew….I wasn’t enough. Who I was just wasn’t enough.
I was out of my place.
I was of my element.
I was really wasn’t good enough. Who I was wasn’t completely acceptable and worthy.
In that moment, I can still remember the shame that I felt. The thoughts that I had.
“Who do i think I am…?” rang in my head. No matter what I did, or who i tried to become, it just never felt like enough. I never felt acceptable and worthy.
And while there was a part of me, that wanted to tell this upperclassman to fuck off...I made an agreement with what he said. I made an agreement that- “you know what? He’s right. I am not really enough just as I am.”
And in that moment, I made a lethal decision.
A decision that destroyed my soul.
Rather than tell said upperclassman to go and take a flying leap….I decided that my striving and working to prove myself worthy needed some serious upleveling.
From this point on, I worked harder to prove myself. I worked harder to show my worth.
Because deep down, the core belief really was….who I am is not acceptable and worthy so I must prove and hustle to shine.
I must prove to be seen.
I must PROVE my enoughness,
I must show you how acceptable, worthy and enough I am.
It’s hard to believe now that I allowed such a moment to define my worthiness.
But honestly-that right there is exactly how it’s done.
That is exactly how it happens. There is a moment where most of us decided to stop listening to ourselves, to our gut, to our intuition.
We put our worth and our enoughness into someone else’s hands.
We give our power away to someone else and allow them to play with our happiness and self worth by allowing them to determine who we are.
We hand over our power and say-”Have fun with it.”
It was years of striving and struggle after that day. It was a simple comment that he moved on from and never even remembered.
But it was a comment that I never forgot.
I became a master chameleon after that point and worked tirelessly to fit and mold into whomever people needed me to be.
I never trusted myself because I didn’t believe i could be trusted. Who was I to be trusted? And who would I trust? I didn’t even really know who I was. I would change myself based on the people I was around and so i never really developed a healthy relationship with me because I didn’t really know who I was.
I operated this way for years. Truth be told-i think two decades would be more accurate.
I lived my life by an opinion pole, because deep down I truly didn’t think I was capable of making any intelligent decisions for my life. Remember-I didn’t trust myself. So I allowed everyone around me to make my decisions for me and therefore really run my life.
I was so far out of alignment with who i was.
I knew I wanted to be loved.
I wanted to be accepted.
I wanted to be included.
And I thought it was everyone else’s job to do those things for me.
And how fucking wrong I was.
THAT WAS MY JOB!!!
No one will come along and approve you, love you, include you and deem you worthy if you don’t first do those things for yourself.
And it shows up in every aspect of your life.
Your spiritual life
Your physical health
There simply is no aspect of your life that is untouched by your willingness to not claim your greatness and step into your purpose and enoughness.
You are a divine human. With an incredible purpose to share with the world. You have gifts and talents that are dying to be let out-but perhaps you find that you tucked them away because you are too terrified to let them out and be criticized and judged.
Perhaps you have allowed some bully to have a stronger voice in your life than your own. Maybe you have decided that your voice isn’t one that is worth listening to. It can’t be trusted and it has nothing of importance to say.
I’m here to say that it’s all bullshit. It’s all just a story in your head. Sure-maybe some hard things have happened to you. Sure, maybe some situations and experiences knocked you down. Maybe some things you experienced were hard and knocked you off course. But it’s time to let it all go. To step into who you really are-to level up into the person that you want to become.
What I know to be true is that you can sit in the pit of shit and you can wallow around and feel sorry for yourself OR you can get up and do something. Decide that you’re worth it and live your best life. Decide that no one determines your worth but you. Decide that you’ve only got this one life and you are going to do everything in your bloody power to make it count.
The way I see it, is that those are your two choices.
So what is it that you see when you look at yourself?
Who doesn’t have much to say?
Who plays small and allows fear to rule her day?
Who tucks away her dreams for another day?
Because what I see is a revolutionary leader
Someone who is here to change the world
Someone who is here to impact millions
Someone who is dying to step into the rich life
Someone who is ready to play big and own her voice
I do not see you as you see yourself-
Girl-you were born to be all of you.
You were born to release that fire within you. To play at a new level.
So again-who’s voice are you going to listen to? At what point will you wake the fuck up and decide that you are here to play a bigger game? You are here to WIN by living your dream every damn day.
It’s so much easier to let yourself out that you think it is. You just have to take the first step and choose.
Quit holding back on yourself.
Quit allowing the bully’s voice to be the loudest
Your own voice should always be the loudest.